A Jew's wish

A Jew having no children, no money, no home and a blind mother, prays sincerely to God for improving his status in life.

God is very pleased with his prayer, and............ grants him one wish........... just one !!!!!!!!!!!!

The Jew says OK God, thanks! My one and only wish is  'I want my Mom to see my wife putting a twenty million dollar diamond necklace around my child's neck, in my Mercedes Benz S600 parked near the swimming pool of our new 5 acre bungalow in Beverly Hills.'

GOD: Damn it ! I still have a lot to learn from these Jews.

Grandma & her grandson are at the beach

He's playing in the water. She is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "All right!! All right!!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat!"

The Lie Detector

Lie Detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son!"
The robot slaps the mother!
End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale

What Gender is your Computer?

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.